The woman I want to be...

These two pictures but more particularly the one on the bottom I feel capture the woman I want to be and what I want the world to see in me. When I look at the bottom picture I see a beautiful, confidant, happy woman that rejoices in her life and her moment. When I look at the top picture I see again a pretty woman but one who is also at peace. These are things that I want to be and what I want others to see/find in me. Am I all these things? Not all the time but I'm trying. Life can be so hard, I just want to remember and BE the happy woman laying in the gorgeous green grass joyfully laughing.

38 Weeks

38 weeks! I was feeling a lot more clam at the end of this week than I was last week. I got all my preschool lesson plans in place. I'm sure there are some little things I left out but I think someone could step in and teach for me without too much trouble now if they needed to. Yes there still are a million and a half things that I probably should try and get done before this little guy gets here because it would be easier now than later but its not the end of the world if they don't get done. My brother helped me set up the crib and I had a blast putting his bedding in it. I love it! Its one of my favorite color schemes, blue and brown, and has the cutest airplanes ever on it.

My body has hurt even more this week, almost always by the end of the day is the worst. My feet puffed up like huge pillows last Monday night. It was kind of funny to look down and see them SOOO fat and squishy. At least they don't hurt too bad. If I'm on my feet for too long it starts to get hard to walk but often standing or laying is more comfortable than sitting because my bum hurts : ) I let the doctor check me on Friday and while I have been having lots of contractions they aren't really doing anything because I'm still the same that I was at 35 weeks (a one). Oh well, that really doesn't bother me. Little James will come when he is ready.

I don't know exactly what life is going to be like with 3 kids but I feel like I am being blessed by my Heavenly Father with peace and reassurance that everything is going to be ok. I'm sure I will have moments of insanity and wondering how I will ever make it but right now I feel very calm that everything will work out and I will be able to handle it. There are a lot of things outside of being pregnant that have been crazy, heart breaking and just plain hard the last 6 months but I finally feel like I am coming to reasonable terms with them and am ready to just move forward with my life and my soon to be three beautiful children. I am extremely grateful for the support I have from a loving Heavenly Father and from wonderful friends and family. Its hard to feel alone for very long when you have a little miracle moving around inside you and tons of seen and unseen support all around you.

37 Weeks

Yay I made it to a point where I feel safe delivering at any time. It makes me really nervous to think about delivering before 37 weeks just because of all the complications (like lung development) that can occur. I have started to hurt a little more. I feel like James has dropped down a little and that can make things a little uncomfortable. He still gets the hiccups at least once a day and while he is not a crazy mover he does move around. I love feeling his kicks and flutters although they are not so little any more : )

I get asked a lot if I am ready and I don't feel ready. Probably if anything I feel like I got more stressed this past week. If he did come it would be ok but I still feel like there are a million things that I should do before he gets here. Preschool is still my biggest number one stressor for not feeling ready. What if I haven't prepped enough? Are my lessons plans written down well enough for someone else to follow? Did I forget to include a song or books? Am I missing any supplies? Good grief that list goes on and on. Than of course is my list of personal things to try and take care of ahead of time (set up the crib, decorate/arrange the babies bedroom, have the house clean, meals frozen ahead of time for when I literally have no hands to make it, pay the bills, register the car, etc., etc.) In a lot of ways it feels like when you are getting ready to move and you have all the big stuff taken care of, the truck is rented, the big boxes are packed, you have all the help you need lined up but then you get down to the little stuff it feels like it is NEVER going to end!

I am excited that he could be here any day but still am hoping that he'll wait until his due date or at least just a little closer to it before he makes his grand entrance. I don't know if that is possible with how many contractions I have all the time now but hey it hasn't been real labor yet so we'll see. No matter what I'm sure it will all work out its just the stress of thinking of all the little things that just has me feeling like I can never take a break because there is something I should be doing.

36 Weeks

36 weeks, I'm technically full term and my doctor says I can go at any time now. I'm starting to panic a little that I am not ready for him to be here. I want him to stay put until his due date but I'm feeling the need to try and make sure everything is ready just in case he doesn't listen to what I want and comes early. Even if he doesn't come early I am running out of time to get ready. After my doctor checked me a week ago it did make me have quite a few more braxton hick contractions. Monday night the contractions were actually pretty strong and consistent. Enough so that I laid down and called my cousin to ask her if by the next morning I was still having them if she could drive my van for me on my preschool field trip to the fire station. Fortunately they went away while I slept that night and I just have them randomly throughout the day now. My doctor wanted to check me on Friday but I'm not ready to have this little man yet so I am going to be declining being checked for the next few weeks.

My Beta Strep test results came back positive which I am a little sad about because it means I can't labor at home for as long as I wanted to, to make sure I get the doses of antibiotics to help protect James before he is born. I am trying to have a natural child birth this time and was looking forward to the idea of not being constantly hooked up to an IV in a hospital while I am in labor. I really do think the IV is my least favorite part of the hospital. Oh well. I will do anything to keep the baby safe and healthy so if that means I have to give up a little (like getting to stay home as long as possible) than I will do it. Thursday night my doula Whitney came over and gave me a WONDERFUL foot massage. I may not hurt a lot this time but that felt so nice!!! I wish I could have one every day.